Improve your chances of getting into college,

A colleague asked me that question this morning. Seems the young man she is working with is “not working up to his potential”. I see this so often that I am dropping everything to write about this very important topic.

I work with all kinds of kids, from the superstars going to top tier colleges to kids who are barely in line to graduate.

And guess what. I love them all.

Each and every one of these kids has gifts to share – if we don’t pay attention, then we are in danger of losing the kid as well as all that he/she can give to the world.

When I get a student like this, the first thing I want to know is why….why are they D students? Here are some of the possibilities:

***There is an undiagnosed or unaddressed learning issue. Has the student ever has a solid psycho-educational evaluation to find out learning strengths/weaknesses?

***Maybe the student has ADHD or other attentional issues. Did you know that anxiety is also something that might seem like ADHD but is not? Or that maybe it co-occurs with ADHD? Think about it – a student that is nervous or upset about a learning or personal situation is not going to be able to concentrate. So it’s important to tease out what’s ADHD and what’s an underlying psychological issue.

***Anxiety is paralyzing. I have seen too many bright kids who can’t think or perform when they are feeling anxious.

***Maybe the student has executive function issues going on – that is, he/she can’t find the work they did, forget to turn it in, bring the right book home to do the assignment, etc. These are the kids who can’t manage their time and are chronically disorganized. It can come along with all of the above issues, too.

***Maybe the kid is super bright – and doesn’t feel like doing work they find meaningless. Motivating these very intelligent kids is a huge challenge. And many gifted kids also have other issues such as learning disabilities, executive function problems, attentional problems, and anxiety. So they get to struggle with all of the above. Nice combo, huh?

***Then there are kids who are oppositional, or shut down, or angry, or depressed – all of these factors will interfere with learning and attitude. Big time.

***Maybe the teen is hanging out with the wrong crowd – and starting to make some poor choices. They might also be using substances to mask their feelings because it’s too hard to cope – or they don’t see any reason to stay sober.

***And maybe they are just immature. Some kids need longer to grow up.

***What if the kid is just lazy? Then what can we do to give them a reason to have ambition, hope for the future, and improved work ethic?

***Is the student in the right educational setting? Would they respond or have their needs met better in a different school? Do they need more teachers as mentors in their lives?

***Do they have the right study skills? It’s actually surprising how many kids actually don’t know HOW to study. They stare at the book but do not know how to organize information in any meaningful way that they can later retrieve from memory. I wish every student would be required to take a study skills course.

***Do they have anything they can be proud of? Any accomplishments? Abilities? Interests? Talents? I’m always looking for our “hook” so that we can capture their positive attributes.

***Here is something else I consider to be a very important factor. Because so many of my students are kids on the move, Third Culture Kids, or globally nomadic kids – whatever you want to call them – I also see kids who are struggling with cultural adjustment issues. When I work with therapists, I want to be sure they understand what it’s like to be in transition, start over, question your identity, give up your friends, etc. This is much more serious than a lot of people think. Some kids are just not ready to move forward with their lives until they work these issues out with a professional.

One thing I am convinced of is that every one of these kids can be reached. I’ve worked with all of the above and seen amazing stories of turnarounds. But what has to happen first is to get to the bottom of what’s getting in the way of success. They rarely “just grow out of it”. And by the time they do, they have missed out on many valuable opportunities. The older they are, the higher the stakes.

So back to the original question – are there colleges for D students? How about if we reframe the question – why is the kid a D student?

The best part of my job? When I get to work with the student from the first cries for help from the frustrated parents, see the teen transform him/herself over time, and then help with their college applications. This month I’ve read several essays from “my kids” that have moved me to tears as they look back and tell their stories of transformation. It just doesn’t get any better than that.

Few letters strung together like “SAT” or “ACT” can conjure up as much fear, anxiety, and dread in a student as these! Students hear the hype about college admissions and think that their very future depends on their SAT or ACT score. In some ways, they are right – but in other ways they are very wrong.

When applying to highly or very selective colleges, the SAT or ACT score is one of several critically important factors in the admissions process. If this is the goal, then yes, every point might count. Yet many other highly selective colleges and universities have gone “test optional” and no longer require standardized testing at all. Still other less selective colleges and universities do not require scores that reach the stratosphere, and will look at a student for his/her potential and motivation to learn more than they look at the test score. The standardized test score is just one component of what colleges are looking for.

So when it comes to SAT/ACT preparation, is it worth the time and money? It depends. The Times Union in Albany , New York, had an article this morning about the effective of test prep. In it, they quote the College Board, creator of the SAT, as saying that test preparation will not dramatically raise scores, and the Princeton Review has been pressured by the National Advertising Division of the Council of Better Business Bureaus to drop the claim that their “Ultimate Classroom” SAT prep class will be able to raise scores by 255 points.

What is a student and parent supposed to think with this kind of information? Does this mean it’s just not worth the time and money to even try to prepare? I personally think that yes, a student should prepare for these standardized tests, and that they should take them, even if they apply to a school that is test optional. They can decide later whether or not to submit the scores. “Better to have it than not” is my motto. But I also think that students and parents need to be reasonable about their expectations (expect improvement but don’t expect miracles), and be wise and strategic in how the student prepares.

I have a variety of SAT and ACT preparation materials on my website under resources – college. Some resources listed are free, and others are fee-based. My advice to students is first of all, know yourself. Are you motivated and disciplined enough that you can study by yourself? If so, there is plenty of free help out there. Do you work well in a group that is led by an instructor with an approach that fits the average student taking the class? Then take a class. But perhaps the most effective method to prepare is to know how you learn, what you need to improve in order to perform better, and how to attack the standardized test strategically. If the family can afford it, I highly recommend private instruction with well-trained and professional SAT/ACT tutors. A true professional really understand the test, how it works, how to strategize to take it, will administer a diagnostic test to assess the student’s strengths and weaknesses, and then customizes instruction to meet the student’s individual needs.

As with everything else in life and college applications, be reasonable. Everything is best in moderation. I advise the students I work with to make a plan, do their best, be informed, but to not let the SAT or ACT rule their life. It does not define who the student is. Instead of investing too much time in test preparation, students should be finding their passions, doing their best in academics, and contributing to their school communities in other positive and meaningful ways. That’s how they will really get the desired college’s attention!

For families that live abroad, it is very difficult to visit all of the boarding schools or colleges/ universities that a student might be interested in unless they have a magic carpet, or unlimited time and funds.

However, I would argue that a campus visit might be even more important for the international student and the Third Culture Kid (TCK) who is returning to their passport country for future study, or going to a new country, especially if the student has never lived (or lived for very long) in the country of that school/college.

I should know, having visited over 100 campuses (mostly in the United States) this last year alone! Campus visits are the number one way that I learn what a school or college is really like. Though much information is available online, it is not the same as being there in person. However, that said, there is also much to be gained by doing a virtual visit. So, whether virtually or in person, here are my suggestions for the ten most important things to look for in the campus visit:

1. Setting. Where is the school in relationship to the world? This is especially important for students coming from abroad (namely international students, or TCKs returning to their passport country). Such things as access to a major airport, rural or urban settings, and surrounding neighborhoods tend to be significant factors in how well the student will adjust. Campus safety is also extremely important, so I encourage you to learn what kind of neighborhood it is in and what the student will pass through to get to and from campus. One excellent website devoted to American college/university campus safety is http://ope.ed.gov/security/.

2. Campus Atmosphere. What does the campus "feel" like when you walk around? The best campus visits are made when students are present. What image do they project? Do they look happy and relaxed? Are they friendly? Stressed? Try using such websites as College Prowler or Unigo to find out more about what students have to say. Sometimes there is even a live camera on campus with Internet streaming.

3. What Students Have To Say. Try to talk to current students – either through chance encounters, a student panel, or the student tour guide. Through your conversations, you can usually get a lot of information about the student body and their values, activities, campus life and campus culture. Ask about how the students feel about their instructors, professors, projects, availability of classes, class size, advising, where to go for help, college or career guidance, study abroad programs, internships, other students, presence of other TCKs and international students on campus, the food, activities, weekends, what kind of student would be happiest there, who would not be happy there, what the "party scene" is like, what they like best, what they would change, and so on.

4. What Instructors/Professors And General Staff Have To Say. How do the staff talk about their work? Their students? Why do they love (or do not love) teaching/working there? How many adjunct/part-time faculty do they have? What is the teacher/professor turnover rate? What special programs do they offer? What are the strongest departments and why? What new initiatives are being undertaken on campus? What are the admissions team looking for in new student applications? How selective are they? What is their retention/graduation rate? Have they experienced any pain due to budget cuts? What is their waiting list like, if any?

5. How Residential Is The Campus? If it is a boarding school, ask how many students live on campus as boarders compared to the number of day students. If there are boarders, are they five-day boarders who go home on weekends, or full-term boarders who only go home for term breaks? If it is college, is it mostly residential or commuter students? Is it a "suitcase college" (where students go home on weekends)? If students live on campus, are they guaranteed housing for their full course duration? If not, what is the local housing market for students like? These questions are a huge factor in building campus culture and an idea about campus accessibility.

6. Scholarships And Financial Aid. This is very important for most of my client families, so if it is important to you too, be sure you understand what options the school has to make itself affordable. Check out the individual school/college websites to find more information on this.

7. Physical Plant And Facilities. I call this my "mulch test". Are the grounds well-kept? Is enough maintenance being done? How does the campus look and feel? What are the buildings like? Dormitories? Food services? Recreational facilities? Athletic facilities? Studios for the arts? Library? Where do students do most of their studying? Campus Tours is an ever-growing site with virtual tours. You can also search the name of the university on YouTube for more online videos. These sites help, but again, it is not the same as assessing the situation in person.

8. Resources For Student Support. What kind of support is available for students with tutoring, writing and math centers, and more formalized support for kids with learning differences? Again, in the absence of a personal visit, explore the relevant college websites and learn as much as you can.

9. Understanding Of TCK And International Student Issues. Would your student coming from abroad, with a wealth of different experiences to share, feel welcome and valued on this campus? How strong is the institution's commitment to helping international students adjust? What countries are the international students coming from? How are they recruited? This may be perhaps the hardest quality to quantify. Try searching the international student pages. Search the terms "Third Culture Kid" or "Global Nomad" by using the search box on the school's website. Ask for statistics from the school/college, and if you visit, take note of what level of diversity (or lack thereof) you see on the actual campus itself.

10. What Is Important To The Student? The answer to this depends on the student, but each student has his/her own agenda, too.

Conclusion

There are many, many school, college and university options out there. In selecting a school/college, the campus visit can be an extremely important part of the decision-making process. By the end of the campus visit, you should have a good sense of the kind of student who would do well at that particular school/college/university.

Knowledge gained from the campus visit, combined with an understanding of the student's learning style, academic and career interests, should all be factors in the final decision. After all, the biggest payoff will occur when the student finds the "right fit" and match where he/she will grow and thrive.

Then you will know that you all have made the right educational choice!

by Kristina Grappo, guest blogger, TCK, and recent grad.

It’s freshman move-in day. You’re the first person to your room. You’re finally able to get rid of your parents. Bed Bath and Beyond trip? Check. Last minute trip to the grocery store to stock up on granola bars, Easy Mac, and Ramen? Check! Congratulations, you are officially a college student. You feel like the coolest thing since the iPad, and you start to put your Ikea Dorm Room Collection together. You think about what your roommate is going to be like, the parties you’ll go to, how you will be best friends for the next four years, even your kids will play together some day!

Then boom, your roomie walks in, and you realize you don’t want your future children anywhere near this person’s future children. And then you discover the worst part—they have a boyfriend or girlfriend who is just as annoying as your roommate. And if you’re really lucky, the boyfriend or girlfriend will still be in high school, so you get to deal with this punk that your roommate has to call every morning before her significant other goes to school at 6:30am. And your roommate will insist on staying in the room to make these calls (true story).

You try to be cool and give your roomie a chance. After all, if you’ve moved around the world and made new friends everywhere you’ve been, so how hard can this be? But there’s just no moving forward with this person. She’s messy, inconsiderate, talks way too much, is all up in your biz, parties way too much, or even worse, just stays in the room all the time. It finally hits you; your roomie is just downright weird and annoying. What makes it worse is that you’re parents are assigned overseas, so you can’t even go home on the weekends to get away from it all. Chances are, it is very unlikely you’ll have a roommate like this. Sometimes you won’t be best friends with your roommates, but you’ll at least be friendly with them, and can easily inhabit the same jail cell-sized dorm room for a year.

If that’s not the case though, here are 5 survival tips to surviving THE WORST ROOMMATE EVER.

1. Always be honest. You know that feeling when you keep something in for so long, and you just finally reach a breaking point and you just snap at a person? Yeaaaa, you’re gonna want to avoid that at all costs. The best way to deal with an issue of a roommate is to confront him/her before you reach that breaking point. Confrontation is uncomfortable, and always a bit scary, but it’s like cleaning: if you do it a little at a time, it’s so much easier. If you wait till it’s a huge mess, then it becomes a big task that you never get around to, and then it just stresses you out. If you confront your roommate in a respectful matter, chances are he’ll be receptive.

If not, that’s what RAs are for. Don’t be afraid to go to an RA and tell her your concerns—that’s what RAs are there for!

Example: It’s a Thursday night, and your roommate wants to have people over to your room that night to drink (which you know is totally wrong, because college freshman are not 21… right?!). And you had already planned to start writing your big paper that’s due on Monday.

You: Hey [weird roommate’s name], would it be possible to go to someone else’s room tonight? I was planning on starting my paper that’s due on Monday...

Best Case Scenario:

Roommate: Yea, sure! We can just go to [name of weird roommate’s friend]’s room.

Worst Case Scenario:

Roommate: Well we have been planning this for a week now, and there is not really anywhere else to go…

This brings me to my next tip.

2. Always be willing to compromise. Living with a stranger is tough, and it’s probably tough for your weird roommate too (although clearly, she is the one with the weird habits). But, as with any relationship, be it with a significant other, a parent, a sibling, or a friend, it’s important for you to be willing to compromise so that both of you can be satisfied.

Example:

You: Oh, okay… How about they come over a bit earlier, say 8:00, and I’ll go to the library until midnight. Would it be possible to have people leave at midnight?

Best Case Scenario:

Roommate: Yea, that should work fine!

Worst Case Scenario:

Roommate: Midnight?! That’s so early!

3. Don’t be afraid to get an RA involved. You might be surprised to find this out, but most Resident Advisers (or RAs) have been in the same situation. They are also college students themselves, and like to have fun, go out with their friends, and find a quiet place to study, just like you. Most RAs are pretty reasonable, and are there to help.

Don’t think you’re being a tattle tail—often times RAs have a sneaky way of going about things so that your roommate will never know you went to see them. They can also offer some mediation, and tips to help deal with them. Most universities offer roommate contracts that roommates create together, and I highly recommend doing this. Who knows—maybe there are things you do that annoys them. If worse come to worse, an RA can help you get a room switch, although that should be the very last option.

4. Don’t stoop to their level, no matter how tempting it might be. I can’t tell you how many times I was tempted to throw a “rager” the night before my weird roommate’s last final, just to spite her. I will admit, I have stopped cleaning, just so that she would realize how much of it I did… and let that go on for a really long time. But then, I just got super annoyed and ended up having to clean the huge mess anyway. That’s the kind of behavior that just makes things worse, and starts unnecessary gigantic fights.

When you feel the urge to call your parents overseas at 5:30 in the morning so that you can catch them on their lunch break (all while in your room, of course), that’s when you need to revert back to tip number 1. Just be honest—tell your roommate in a nice way that his behavior is not conducive to your way of living. No need to relate your dream about putting ExLax in his coffee before having to give a presentation.

5. You’re in college now, so unfortunately, that means you’re an adult, and you have to act like one. This was one of my hardest lessons in college. So, if you figure out how to do it now, it will save you a lot of anguish later on. Being an adult means dealing with your problems head on, and doing it with as little conflict as possible. One of the best things anyone can learn is confrontation is NOT conflict—it actually helps to avoid it!

So, be adult about having the worst roommate ever. Always take the high road, try to be as patient as possible (even when it might be really hard), but most of all, don’t let that weird roommate disrupt your college experience, distract you from academics and other important university activities, and ultimately destroy what is going to be a truly awesome experience. Take matters into your own hands, be proactive, and do what you need to do to make sure these four years are going to be the best of your life.

Keep in mind, too, that colleges have hundreds of other places you can be besides your room. In fact, you only really need to go there to sleep. Get involved; go to the library, the gym, an athletic or theater performance, or even just a friend’s room. These are all things that will keep you out of your room, and will enrich your college experience (and your roommate’s too, by the way). The more you keep yourself busy, the more you’ll find that you don’t even have to hang out with this person.

When it comes time to put in your room request for sophomore year, make sure you find someone that you can live with easily—and that doesn’t always mean your best friend!! More about having issues living with your best friend to come…

The bottom line is that these should be some of the best years of your life, but only if you make them so!! Don’t let tickle fights with between your annoying roommate and her equally annoying boyfriend, or maggot-infested Chinese food in your mini-fridge ruin your college experience. (Both are also true stories, BTW.)

Part of being an adult is taking charge of your own life, so tell the Worst Roommate Ever to turn down their trashy music, start doing their part, and to be considerate of you! If none of these suggestions work, we live in the 21st century people, so go on the Internet and you’ll find tons of other suggestions on how to deal with these types of people. And last but not least, don’t ever listen to that little voice in your head telling you to put the rat cadaver you dissected in Biology in your roomie’s bed.

Kristina Grappo, who was always the world’s perfect roommate, is a 2010 graduate of Villanova University, a Third Culture Kid, and the daughter of this blog’s owner. She has seen her share of roommates and has found that as a recent grad getting on her feet, her life with roommates is far from over.

***by Kristina Grappo, guest blogger and recent grad.

Congratulations! You survived your freshman year roommate, and you have graduated onto sophomore status… This means parties in the quad, later class times in the morning, and looking at those incoming freshmen carrying 50 pounds worth of books in their backpacks thinking, “Aren’t they so cute at that age?” This also means the time has come when you can pick your own roommate.

By this time, you most likely have that person you do everything with… you to go your meals together, walk to class together, go to the library together, and go to parties together… you’re pretty much attached at the hip. That’s awesome! This is what college is all about.

Your first instinct when getting your roommate request forms will be to write your BFF’s name in with a permanent marker… but, that’s not always the best idea. Anyone who has ever been to college, or any other situation that requires you to have roommates, probably has a handful of horror stories in their back pocket about living with a best friend—either their own tales, or tales of a friend.

It’s a difficult dance living with a best friend. One thing I discovered in college—everyone is one annoying habit away from being on my s*** list. Living with people is a whole different ballgame, kids. Take it as a practice run for being married. Sometimes it can be the best thing ever, but sometimes your best friend can turn into THE WORST ROOMMATE EVER.

Here are some tips on what to do when living with your best friend.

1. Stop the madness before it even starts- ask yourself these questions to see if you are compatible BEFORE you decide to live together.

- Do we have the same definition of “clean”?

- Do we have similar sleep schedules?

- Do we have the same ideas of what is fair and considerate?

- Do we share the same friends? Do I like their friends?

- Do we have similar social lives and social schedules?

- Do we share similar study schedules?

- What are their eating habits like?

- Are they big phone talkers?

- Do they have friends who are going to be frequently spending the night?

You get the idea… The idea when looking for a roommate is not “we already get along together so well” but rather “we will live together really well,” which is a huge distinction. People have a lot of weird habits, and often times you don’t even notice until you live with them—even if you do hang out all the time. Things like dishes, laundry, and overnight guests have been the little things that have been known to destroy the best of friendships.

2. You’re going to get annoyed with them at some point- it’s inevitable. So, think of a system that works for the two of you to confront the other when habits get weird.

No matter what, I promise, you will get annoyed with your best friend while living with them. Whether she is too clean, not clean enough, chews too loudly while you’re watching TV, or her friends are over way too much, it will happen. And don’t think you’re immune to weird habits yourself. You have them too. Yea—news flash—drinking only half of your coffee everyday and then leaving it sitting out for a while is weird. And annoying. (I do that…)

So, when these things happen, and they will, discuss how you’re going to go about confronting them. Like I mentioned in my last blog “5 Tips to Surviving THE WORST ROOMMATE EVER” confrontation is not conflict—it helps prevent it! It’s so important to communicate about what is and isn’t working.

One thing that might be helpful is agreeing that all roommate concerns should be sent as an email. For those of us that get nauseous just thinking about confrontation, this has proven to work. While it could be viewed as a bit passive aggressive, if you agree to raise concerns via email in a calm, mature, and respectful manor, you might be more likely to raise something when you don’t have to do it face to face. It beats post-its on the mini fridge saying, “I hope you enjoyed eating my food last night, fatty”. It can also be seen as helpful in instances when you really have your undies in a bunch about something. This way, you can calmly write an email, go back, edit, and delete comments like “seriously, were you on crack while cooking in the kitchen last night?!”. This ensures that you don’t say anything you’ll regret (which is KEY when living with best friends).

3. Make sure to have things that are just yours.

I mean this in a number of ways. Having food in the fridge that is not open to sharing, having clothing that is off limits, but also, having activities that are just yours. Part of the hardship when living with a best friend is just the amount of time you spend together. You start to spend so much time with them that even the freckle in the middle of his forehead starts to annoy you. You’re not just hanging out with them every moment like you used to. Now, you’re also living with this person. It’s a lot for one person to handle… So having things that you do by yourself can be a life savor. Whether it is going on a run, or having a club or organization you belong to, having your own personal outlet can save your friendship.

4. Give extra positive feedback when they do something you do like.

This is one of the best ways to keep a positive energy in the room. If he does decide to finally clean the room, make sure you thank him for it. The worst feeling is when you try to do something nice for someone and they don’t recognize it. So, let him know that you appreciate him cleaning, and that it will be your turn next time. This way, you not only vocalize your appreciation, but you accept and state that next time, it’s your job.

5. Don’t hate chore charts and roommate agreements.

Every time I suggest chore charts or roommate agreements, people roll their eyes. I know– it’s very soccer mom of me to even suggest it. But, failing to plan is planning to fail!! Just be prepared for the obstacles that you and your best friend will have to overcome while living together. Ask some friends that have had to do it already how they deal with best friend -roommate conflicts. While it might sound totally lame, agreeing on what chores you will do ahead of time might save you a great deal of grief down the road. That way, you know exactly what is expected of you, and you don’t have any “I took the recycling out the last 4 times, it’s your turn now” nonsense.

Roommate agreements where you mutually agree to only have people over Thursday through Saturday, asking before people spend the night, or having study hours can save so much drama. Believe me—there is nothing more annoying than being kicked out of your room for a movie night when you were planning on writing your term paper. It also sucks when your roommate has a term paper but you finally have a movie night planned with your a new friend from your econ class! So kids, it’s all about communication. Talk it out, write it down, be considerate, and be willing to compromise.

Living with your best friend is one of the greatest experiences in college. It can also be one of the worst. Fortunately, most problems can be prevented with proper communication and a mutual respect for one another. It’s worth putting in the time and making super lame soccer-mom charts to make sure you avoid having conflicts. Remember what I said before—college can be the best four years of your life, but only if you make them so! So get some construction paper, glitter glue, and magic markers and go crazy! It is college, after all.

*** Kristina Grappo, who was always the world’s perfect roommate, is a 2010 graduate of Villanova University, a Third Culture Kid, and the daughter of this blog’s owner. She has seen her share of roommates and has found that as a recent grad getting on her feet, her life with roommates is far from over.