The origins of Cornmouth are shrouded in mystery. Some say that a man crossed the countryside with a sacred text in hand, stopping only to rest his head, until one night he dreamed of two bears. The bears were called Battlebot and Kro, and they carried with them a plate of golden meal. "
We are not monsters, but friends," said they. The man rose from his slumber and decided to call this place Cornmouth. This story is made up.
Cornmouth is a member of the Ivy League, which means that it is prohibitively expensive and filled with
people who are smarter than we are. The guy who smokes pot 10-15 times a day, often out of a piece of fruit, is smarter than we are. The girl majoring in something called "Inverted Histories," because she is allowed to, is smarter than we are. The fellow who wears an eye patch for nonmedical reasons and literally changed his name (first and last) to "Why" is smarter than we are. These awful people are just some of the reasons you will not get into Cornmouth.
There is also lots of diversity at Cornmouth, the admissions department told me when I was writing this. It is not uncommon to see lots of different colors of people sitting together on grass, they said. Races and faces and places. A man threw a frisbee and gave another man a high-five. "
At Cornmouth I'm getting the tools I need to succeed!" he said to his buddy for some reason.
Academics at Cornmouth are cutthroat. The competition is fierce. People say things like "
I'm so dead, I think I did terrible on that test" and they DON'T MEAN IT. Lies are considered fair game in the academic kingdom of Cornmouth. But in the end, even though Cornmouth students will claw and fight past each other to get the A, they are all united by the one thing they all share: their fear of wild beasts.
These beasts that roam the countryside surrounding Cornmouth are a testament to that which man cannot conquer: the beasts that roam the countryside surrounding Cornmouth. "
Most of my professors know my name," says a junior Geology major trying desperately to think about something, anything other than the horrible marauding beasts that perpetually threaten her and her fellow classmates.
With over 300 active on-campus organizations available, it’s no wonder that most Cornmouth students find their time spent outside the classroom worthwhile. “
Yes, there are clubs and activities at Cornmouth,” remarks one sophomore involved with the Gay-Straight Alliance, an organization whose purpose is to fight bisexuals. However, those looking for an athletic powerhouse may want to look elsewhere: Cornmouth students are legendary for their extreme laziness. "
Where's the remote," a bed-ridden sophomore English major asks. "
Where is it, it was just here."
In general, Cornmouth is an okay place.
