Cornmouth's history is long and storied. Oh, the stories it would tell you if it could talk. Unfortunately, Cornmouth is made up of buildings, and not living tissue or mouths.
If you come to Cornmouth in the springtime, you will see beautiful rolling hills and valleys, fields of flowers, smiling and dancing young people in sundresses and board shorts. Visit in the fall and you'll find the landscape transformed into a tapestry of color, a kaleidoscope so overwhelming it seems fake. The wind will have that smell to it, that feeling that things are changing, that sense of possibility.
Visit any time between October and March and you will sink deep into the snow where you will die.
Cornmouth is nestled comfortably in the United States.
On the first day of spring, Cornmouth students fashion giant papier mache eggs. The faculty traditionally seals one student inside of each egg before dawn, and the students burst out of them at the vernal equinox. Students are graded on their performance.
Every year Cornmouth's fraternities bring a pig to campus. It is said that the first student to kiss the pig, who is known as General Roberts, will bring shame upon Cornmouth University.
Fancy Pete (1991) is the fanciest man with the fanciest tan. You may have seen him around.
McLovin (2011) is a fictional character in the movie Superbad.
Dominick the Donkey (1964) was the Italian Christmas Donkey.
Cornmouth is a Division III-III school with men's and women's squads in wrestling, tween-kicking, and viral marketing.
Cornmouth University is not affiliated with the American Cornhole Organization.
Did you know? Cornmouth is the first and only institution of higher learning to be featured on the cover of both Men's Health and Women's Health magazines.
Cornmouth's first president, Zanzibar P. Fruitstyles, was a leading critic of the beat movement, the Harlem Renaissance, and of the written word in general.
Standish Hall: Standish, the oldest dorm on campus, used to be all-male. Now it allows people of all genders, including women! Pretty soon, before you know it, the girls and the boys will be living in the same rooms or something. This generation makes my mind hurt
Baxter Tower: The "Party Zone" of campus. Freshman parties in Baxter East can last into the morning hours. This is because all partying in Baxter happens between 4 and 10 am, because Baxter Tower is its own time zone.
East Hill Dorms: Students who live in East have agreed to live in a sustainable substance-free community, which means that no one lives in East.