Higher education is a big investment, and deciding where to attend college is a very important life decision; so, I can empathize with some parents’ tendency/desire to micromanage their child’s college-going process. That said, it is important that students take initiative–for their personal benefit and for the benefit of their admission prospects. If a parent exhibits overbearing behavior, I am obligated to reveal how such a domineering approach may prevent students from developing the assertiveness, wherewithal and relationships that facilitate college admission and success. I do so indirectly, by stressing the importance of students assuming responsibility for their own applications, essays, correspondence, etc. I also encourage that families work together to make college-related decisions that ultimately benefit the student. After all, it is the student who must attend college and it is he/she who will reap the benefits or consequences of his/her college-related decisions.
Every parent will admit that the college admissions process does not resemble the same college application procedure they experienced. The feeling of having no control tends to influence their actions and sometimes it seems like they cannot control themselves. Often private counselors take on a dual role as they mediate between the student and the parents. Many times parents worked diligently to afford the lives they have offered their children works against them rather than in their favor. In fact, many want for their children what they wanted for themselves, but this often leads to adolescent rebellion.
Higher education is a big investment, and deciding where to attend college is a very important life decision; so, I can empathize with some parents’ tendency/desire to micromanage their child’s college-going process. That said, it is important that students take initiative–for their personal benefit and for the benefit of their admission prospects. If a parent exhibits overbearing behavior, I often feel compelled to reveal how such a domineering approach may prevent students from developing the assertiveness, wherewithal and relationships needed to facilitate college admission and success. I do so indirectly, by stressing the importance of students assuming responsibility for their own applications, essays, correspondence, etc. I also encourage families to work together to make college-related decisions that ultimately benefit the student. After all, it is the student who must attend college and it is he/she who will reap the benefits or consequences of his/her college-related decisions.
In my experience, overbearing parents are really just loving parents. I ask them what their biggest fear is and then I help them notice the specific ways that the reality is much more friendly and kind. This usually helps their stress levels.
I don’t deal with them, happily. But for a student, the best way is to make clear to your parents that you need to get a good sense of the atmosphere – which you are better at than anyone else (since this is about you and your education) – and that they can help best by checking out those things that they can assess better than you. They will not be interviewed or take part in the interview – that’s the student’s job (and parent interference will NOT help), but they can have a much more informative meeting with the financial aid office than you, asking the sharpest questions and learning how the college handles aid and billing for expenses. On the tour, ask your parents to take notes on the conditions of building, on anything they observe, and let you ask the questions (and you should ask some!). In general, put them to work gathering information you can use; that can be a real help, and all parents should want to be really helpful.
The college admissions process can be a challenging time for families. Both parents and kids often aren’t prepared for the surge of conflicting emotions that can arise around choosing and getting into the right college. Parents have the best intentions: They want their kids to be ell educated, happy, and have bright future opportunities. Sometimes, though, their anxiety and over-involvement can become detrimental to the admissions process.
Parents of children applying to college these days are called “helicopter” parents, and many admissions officers, counselors, and teachers find that their jobs are made infinitely more difficult because of parental interference. But what do you do if one or both of you parents are of the Blackhawk variety? You can’t escape them, and they seem to have their hands in everything from your homework, backpack, phone, web history, and of course your college applications.
parents are the major force in college admissions counseling. they prepfer to work with structure and scheduling. counselor can make a difference by working closely with the student.
Parents of children applying to college these days are called “helicopter” parents, and many admissions officers, counselors, and teachers find that their jobs are made infinitely more difficult because of parental interference. But what do you do if one or both of your parents are of the Blackhawk variety? You can’t escape them, and they seem to have their hands in everything from your homework, backpack, phone, web history, and of course your college applications.
It’s tough to deal with parents who won’t allow their children ownership of the college applications process! The stakes are high and I understand their concern. I have also been a parent who has sent kids off to college, and will do it again, soon. It’s an emotional time and I understand how the parents worry that their student does everything right.
Students should set up one day a week (and ONLY one day a week) that college can be discussed. This brings the stress level way down.
I tell them that it’s great that they’re interested, but ultimately their child has to make the decision about where they go to college or they will be unhappy.
I have plenty of tasks for both the students and parents to accomplish during the college planning and funding process. Many times the students have their distinct appointment hours for their benefit and parents have their own on separate dates and times.
Sit down and have “a talk” with your parents and let them know that while you do need their help, you want to “drive the car” during the process. Ask them to help you with organization and advice, but explain to them that you are trying to become an independent and responsible adult. Tell them that colleges expect YOU to “own” the process and you want them to see that you are capable of just that. Thank them for their help and support and assure them that you can handle this important task on your own.
If you are asking how you should deal with your overbearing parents, I assume you mean that your parents are all over you about applications and essays and which schools you are applying to, that they are causing issues at home and potentially with college visits or interviews. This generation has so many many helicopter parents! You need to sit down with mom/dad and have a talk. Explain to them how you feel, and ask how they feel. You can work it out to a happy medium, hopefully. In my opinion the applicant needs to drive the application process within the parameters parents set, but parents need to allow the student to be responsible for due dates, essays, etc. Talk, talk, talk is my answer.
When I initially meet with a student and parents, I emphasize that is the student going to college, NOT the parents. While the parents know their child well and have a definite say regarding costs, the student really needs to figure for herself/himself the parameters that would make a college the “best fit”. I encourage students to “own” the process.
Parents’ are not overbearing they are freightened that their precious child will wonder into a world without mom and dad’s guidance. I provide parents with as much support as possible in the way of insisting that they attend the college tours, confirming that what they have taught their child for 17 or 18 years will not be forgotten when they leave home, and assuring them that they will have full access via the social media outlets, cell phones, and even skype to pretty much have an idea of what is on their child’s mind 24×7. Additionally, I always remind them that they can visit and their young student will not want to disappoint their number one cheering squad (their parents). Most parents find comfort from a counselor who has recently experienced the empty next “overbearing” stage and are able to relax a bit knowing that this is the time they have been working for and it has arrived because they did something right in rearing a child that wants to go to college.
I find most parents only want what is best for their student. Still, this can often lead to tension on the home front during the college search process. I find a division of labor can be most productive: one parent is the travel agent for college visits, one parent tackles the financial piece and the student is in charge of all things application related. I try to impress on my clients that we are preparing the student to handle the independence that comes with college. It is important to allow the son/daughter to own the admission experience. I also keep the parents in the loop with articles tailored just for them. Unigo’s website can keep them busy and content for hours! Healthy doses of praise for all they are doing to support their child in this transition from high school to college can also go a long way. Mom and dad are struggling just as much as Junior at the thought of what the future will bring. I find that a sense of humor, along with a checklist of tasks to keep everyone busy and focused, can be the ideal solution for the helicopter parent.
I try to help them deal with their anxiety by giving them information, resources and tasks. My parent resources include books and articles about the college application process as well as links to blogs and web resources. I also ask them to organize the college visits with input from the student. I also patiently emphasize that the student must take personal and primary responsibility as they must feel that they own the process.
I find most parents only want what is best for their student. Still, this can often lead to tension on the home front during the college search process. I find a division of labor can be most productive: one parent is the travel agent for college visits, one parent tackles the financial piece and the student is in charge of all things application related. I try to impress on my clients that we are preparing the student to handle the independence that comes with college. It is important to allow the son/daughter to own the admission experience. As an independent educational consultant, I also keep the parents in the loop with articles tailored just for them. Unigo’s website can keep them busy and content for hours! Healthy doses of praise for all they are doing to support their child in this transition from high school to college can also go a long way. Mom and dad are struggling just as much as Junior at the thought of what the future will bring. I find that a sense of humor, along with a checklist of tasks to keep everyone busy and focused, can be the ideal solution for the helicopter parent.
Understanding parental anxiety is critical. Parents want the best for their children, but often try to live vicariously through them. Gently yet firmly, I try to encourage them to be reality- based. One of the most critical points that I try to drive home with parents relates to their child’s success at college. It is not all about getting in, but staying in and graduating as an independent thinker on a path that will lead to a career that will be nourishing in all regards. Aside from academics, becoming a well-rounded, social and non-judgmental person is vital.
As a parent myself, I do not fault parents for the tendency to want to be the dominant force in the college search and application process. In my work, I invite parents to the initial consultation, the meeting when a student has decided on the final list of colleges to which he or she will apply as well as the initial brainstorming session for essays. The latter allows parents to chime in on the all of the proud moments and accomplishments their child has achieved. Ultimately parents should have a say in the college list as they will likely be bankrolling the child’s education to the extent that they are able. In the event of a stalemate, I suggest that the student have permission to apply to one school of the student’s choosing and one school of the parents’ choosing. Compromise goes a long way in this regard.
I find most parents only want what is best for their student. Still, this can often lead to tension on the home front during the college search process. I find a division of labor can be most productive: one parent is the travel agent for college visits, one parent tackles the financial piece and the student is in charge of all things application related. I try to impress on my clients that we are preparing the student to handle the independence that comes with college. It is important to allow the son/daughter to own the admission experience. I also keep the parents in the loop with articles tailored just for them. Healthy doses of praise for all they are doing to support their child in this transition from high school to college can also go a long way. Mom and dad are struggling just as much as Junior at the thought of what the future will bring. I find that a sense of humor, along with a checklist of tasks to keep everyone busy and focused, can be the ideal solution for the helicopter parent.
I remind parents that this is their child’s first journey into adulthood and that their love is guidance. Giving a child the chance to explore campuses on a Burton College Tour or to brainstorm their own essay topics are good places to begin. I make sure that the student has a list of schools that has been generated from both the student’s and parent’s observations about what will be a good academic, social and financial fit.
I try to help parents understand that the student needs to be the center of the process and also must take the responsibility for completing all of the steps. That is not to say parents should not play a role. Taking my own three children on college visits was a bonding experience. We spent long hours in the car and we could laugh about me getting lost in rural VT or even the time my daughter injured her foot while practicing for track and we had to go to the emergency room! Parents can be great sounding boards for listening to final versions of essays. And of course parents and students should sit down very early in the process and have a frank discussion about college finances.
The best way to manage overbearing parents is to take the reigns. Demonstrate that you are managing the process by setting up college visit appointments and logistics yourself, posting a deadline chart of the fridge informing your parents of the plan for meeting deadlines, and thoughtfully listening to your parent’s perspective. While students should drive the process, parents are key stakeholders who deserve a voice. By showing your capability and preparation you will by their trust (which will help them back off). But, at the same time, managers of any operation know that you can’t risk upsetting a key investor. Identify ways for your parents be part of the process and keep communication lines open.
In general social circles, entry into the most competitive universities, where admission rates may fall below 10%, signals success in an uncertain world. In contrast, the individual collegian may discover that a brand name school can diverge from best practices in academic instruction, performance measurement, and connecting with its students. It’s best to avoid situations of too much stress in striving for good grades and pre-professional activities, which are important for getting hired or getting into graduate school.
Parents just want to help. They’re concerned that their children make thoughtful, reasoned, choices when planning their future. But, in many ways, the college application process is irrational, unreasonable, and mystifying. Throw in teenage students who are both eager to step out into the real world and unsure of their future (Will they be accepted? Will they be happy?) and you have the ingredients for stressful communication between parents, children, and college advisors.
Ultimately the college search and application process belongs to the student. I try to be as diplomatic as possible with parents and remind them that the process is really about their children, not them. Students need to be placed in a position where they will make their own choices. Encouragement and support of children is much more imporatant role for a parent than than orchestrating the entire process.
I always tell the parents that the student is my client and my first priority is to find solutions that are best for them. Even though the parents are usually paying the bill, my consulting efforts are focused on what the student feels he or she wants and needs. I think we often overlook students self awareness when designing a plan for the future. I rarely have parents complain about the end result, because as someone who is looking from the outside in, I provide a new perspective and can help design an approach that is unique to each student.
Short Answer: How do I deal with overbearing parents? I put my hand out — just like Miss Ross — and sing “ Stop! In the name of Love!”
Parents need to be a part of the process, but they need to allow the student to be in the driver’s seat. The best way for a student to deal with overbearing parents is to show your parents that you are being responsible and taking ownership of the process. Pay attention to deadlines and do everything early (do not wait until the last minute). Admission officers and coaches prefer to speak with the student rather than the parents, so let your parents know that you will ask them to call if you need them to, but please don’t without your knowledge. Bounce ideas off your parents so they will feel you value their perspective. When parents are kept at arms length they get nervous and intervene, so keep them informed.
parents are the major force in college admissions counseling. they work well with counselors and can make a difference by allowing the counselors to work closely with the students.
Parents have the best intentions. That I will say first of all. But if your parents are placing you in the back seat of this process and they are the drivers, then that is a problem. Explain to your parents that this is your future and you need to be the one directing this process. Also you may want to “ground” them from talking about college all the time. You should all agree on one day per week when you will discuss anything and everything college. But on any other day, there will be NO college talk at all. This will help your relationship so you can actually enjoy a conversation with your parents and not worry that all you will discuss is your upcoming SATs or essays or interview. You may also want to bring in some reinforcements. This can be your school counselor or a teacher or a family friend who your parents will listen to.
Parents have the best intentions. That I will say first of all. But if your parents are placing you in the back seat of this process and they are the drivers, then that is a problem. Explain to your parents that this is your future and you need to be the one directing this process. Also you may want to “ground” them from talking about college all the time. You should all agree on one day per week when you will discuss anything and everything college. But on any other day, there will be NO college talk at all. This will help your relationship so you can actually enjoy a conversation with your parents and not worry that all you will discuss is your upcoming SATs or essays or interview. You may also want to bring in some reinforcements. This can be your school counselor or a teacher or a family friend whom your parents will listen to.
Parents have the best intentions. That I will say first of all. But if your parents are placing you in the back seat of this process and they are the drivers, then that is a problem. Explain to your parents that this is your future and you need to be the one directing this process. Also you may want to “ground” them from talking about college all the time. You should all agree on one day per week when you will discuss anything and everything college. But on any other day, there will be NO college talk at all. This will help your relationship so you can actually enjoy a conversation with your parents and not worry that all you will discuss is your upcoming SATs or essays or interview. You may also want to bring in some reinforcements. This can be your school counselor or a teacher or a family friend–anyone whom your parents will listen to.
Great question that comes up all the time. The first step in dealing with this issue is to take the following fact into consideration:
College is a unique experience, and a critical step in a student’s life. The best part is it is where you gain your independence. You just need to know that parents do want the best for you, and they may seem overbearing at times. You just need to remind them that this is a time for you to become independent, and that you are an adult. My best advice is to go home no more than once a month if you moved away to go to school. My reason being is you will make more connections and friends on campus, especially on the weekends. This also makes your visits home more sentimental, and the parents are less likely to lecture you.
I think you need to define the term “overbearing parent”. I am always going to support parents that care about their children and want what is best for them. I am never going to discourage a parent for caring and doing everything they can for help. The two questions I like to ask parents who feel “stressed” through the college application process are:
Believe or not, most parents would happily take a back seat if they felt their child was in the drivers seat. The most effective way to dial your parents down is to take the lead on your college process. Let your parents know that the timeline and deadlines are under control. Create a plan and share it with them and they should be less freaked out.
Be as polite as possible, but make them aware that their child has to sign permission in many cases to view grades and to provide input. Always direct your information to the student.
Parents need to be engaged in the process. A child going off to college will signify and very big change in a family dynamic. In some instances, this may be the first time a child will be independent for a stretch.
Parents want their children to be happy and productive and the college process is often the first time when a parent has absolutely no control or input over the outcome. It’s difficult for parents — they want the very best for their child and it is hard for them to sit back and try not to interfere. As a former admissions officer, I understood their desire. I imagine many parents have bitten their lip more than once as they watched their child navigate the admissions process and I often found myself doing the same. No matter how well meaning (but overbearing) a parent might be, their actions would never taint their child’s application. I would always include the student in the conversation even though the parent might have been the one to ask the question. Parents were invited at end of an interview to ask questions or raise any concerns in the lobby — they were never present during the interview. If asked, I would encourage parents to let their child have the limelight — allow their child to stand in the spotlight and learn how that feels. Parents, for the most part, are not going to be packing up their bags and enrolling in classes on campus the next year so it is better all the way around if the student starts taking responsibility for their actions and experiencing independence.
It is important for parents to recognize that students have to be happy with the college choice, and that at some point, parents need to allow students to “fly free from the nest”. We separate the behavior of parents from what we know to be true about students, and we realize that overbearing parents are probably experiencing separation anxiety.
One of the challenges of the college admission process is keeping the focus on the student. Increasingly (and too often) the process–and the results–are seen as a validation of parenting skills. It is not. It is about colleges making choices about the kind of community they want and about students seeking the right fit for who they are and who they aspire to be. Parents have a role, but it must be appropriately circumscribed and counselors may need to remind them—perhaps frequently–of their proper role. They have had their chance. It is now the child’s turn and that must never be forgotten.
How do I deal with overbearing parents? I put my hand out — just like Miss Ross — and sing “ Stop! In the name of Love!”
Parent’s have taken care of everything for you since you were an infant! However, now that your a high school junior (a good time time to get started on your college search), you need to take ownership of your search, especially because college admissions offices/officers wnat to see that you’re capable of “running the show.”
Unfortunately, part of this position requires counselors to deal with parents. Much of the time they are grateful and kind, but at the same time some others simply cannot let go of the process. Every parent will admit that the college admissions process does not resemble the same college application procedure they experienced. The feeling of having no control tends to influence their actions and sometimes it seems like they cannot control themselves. So often counselors must take on a dual role as they mediate between the student and the parents. Many times parents worked diligently to afford the lives they have offered their children works against them rather than in their favor. In fact, many want for their children what they wanted for themselves, but this often leads to adolescent rebellion. The best way to handle the situation is mediate, always reminding the student that as a counselor, you are on their side. Otherwise, you lose their trust.
Ideally, parents are supportive participants in the college search and application process, but parental over-involvement is a huge issue, and can sour the process for students. If your parent is becoming overbearing, I suggest you share with them this link from Middlebury College, an outstanding liberal arts college in Vermont:
The best part about going to college, to me, is to finally experiencing the world without parents and be independent! And you can’t exactly do that when your parents are being overbearing. Be understanding that they’re just nervous about your leaving home and going to college, but let them know that this is a crucial part of growing up, really. I had a talk with my parents about this and made several promises. For example, I had to call them and update them every other day. See what would work with your parents!
I consistently remember the two most important things in their life is their money and their children, just like me, and it helps to put it into perspective and calm everyone’s nerves. By gently letting the child taking the initiative it helps considerably!
DEALING WITH OVERBEARING PARENTS DURING THE COLLEGE PROCESS
My goal as an admission counselor was always to communicate directly with the student. After all it should be the students decision. At the same time you want to make the parent happy too so you answer the questions and concerns as well. I guess would also have to depend on the situation. In a face to face situation I would follow through as I mentioned before. If the parent is calling without the student I usually just answer the questions they have. If I am calling I always ask to speak to the student. However, I would never look at a student negatively because their parent(s) were overbearing.
The best way to deal with overbearing parents do is to be honest and let them know that they are making this period difficult for you. Try to give specific examples of the behavior that is difficult for you. But don’t just complain about a problem, give a suggestion of how to resolve the problem. What do you want to be different moving forward? It’s also best to have this conversation sooner rather than later. If you wait until the situation becomes unbearable, you’re likely to explode and say things that you don’t mean and will never be able to take back.
There is no easy answer for this one, however you may want to sit down and let them know that you are an adult (or will be shortly), and you need to be making decisions (as well) involving your university studies. Let them know that you cannot promise them that you will study what they want you to and that you will need some time (maybe two years to decide). Try to be diplomatic and not lose your temper. Remember that this may be a difficult time for your parents, as they are concerned about your safety and well-being. (The use of a guidance counselor, who can act as an intermediary is a good choice). Allow your parents to make some choices. but attempt to be firm, but polite on decisions that are extremely important to you)! Good luck!
Overbearing parents can be a very difficult situation. It is time for compromise, though. Tell them that you appreciate that they want to be involved in this process; however, it is very important for you to take the lead in this process. You will welcome their input, but they also need to respect your pace and choices. Ask them to make a list of colleges they would like you to attend, and you will make one as well. See if there are schools that match both of your lists.
Parents can cause a lot of stress in the college process, and students need to remember that their anxiety often comes from wanting the best possible outcome for their children. Sometimes, that desire can get overwhelming, particularly if a parent’s expectations are unrealistic. Here are a few tips for handling overbearing parents:
1. One way is to know from prior experiences with other similar parents who mean well, but flunk the dress rehearsal. I know the usual entry points about where I anticipate them acting up and I PRE-ADVISE them in advance. The old western movie scene where we “head them off at the pass”, sort of. This provides a level of joint expectation.
These sources are a good place to start, however, you should not rely on these sources alone. Guidebooks such as FISKE are a good source to start the process with. Relatives have a lot of emotion attached to their decisions often and it does not mean it is right for the student.. for example the parent went to that school, or worse, a parent wants to keep a student close to home, but the right fit is 3,000 miles away and the child picks the parent’s choose school only to funk out…As for rankings, there are several things that the ranking look at the probably have no baring whatsoever on what you are to study at a school…
Hellicopter or Steamroller? Parents that is…
Parents are overbearing due to the anxiety of “not knowing” and feeling overwhelmed by all of the details in the process– visits, applications, recommendations, financial aid forms, etc. They feel a lack of control because it is the student’s process and not theirs. The best advice for students is to be proactive with your parents. The student should take control by telling his or her parents that there will be one day a week at a specific time that he or she will sit down with them and review his or her progress in the college process. This will eliminate the constant questions and nagging by providing the parents with a specified time and means to gain the information that they need.
The college application process is very stressful for all involved. An important part of my role as a counselor is to try to bring down the stress levels of both parents and student by giving them information and reminding them there are many options in any given situation. It is not my job to sort out family politics or solve long standing family issues. Often family members have different views of acceptable outcomes and the most challenging part of the job is to encourage family members to share their views and listen to each other. I also make sure the student applies to at least two colleges which in my view are a good match and there is a good chance of admission. Finally, I remind parents that it is not productive to compare their child with others. Each student presents specific strengths and weaknesses which may not be obvious to others.
This may be the first time you are making a significant decision in your life. For most parents their overbearing attitudes are an attempt to protect you and hopefully give you the best outcome. That being said, it is you who will be attending the college and therefore you need to be satisfied with the choice.
I think the committee of “We” needs to have bounderies. Yes parents are the ones that raised the student, and I hope they allow their child to make choices. It is through good information, research, and choices that “good college fit” happens. And there are no promises when it comes to admission. The college gets to make that decision.
Keep in mind that your parents always want what’s best for you, whether it seems that way or not. If they are pushing you to do something you really don’t want to, ask them why they think that’s the best path you can take. Explain to them what you want, but be clear about why you want it. Be calm. Getting angry with them only makes you seem immature, reinforcing in their minds all the reasons they feel they need to do the whole process for you. Being as adult and open with them as you can about what you and want and why you want it is the best way to show them you don’t need them every step of the way. – Failing this- do what you know you want. If they try and rewrite your college essay, tell them thank you and then submit your own- they’ll never know. Apply to the schools they want, but also send in that RISD application- when you get in and they see how much you really want to go to art school and not engineering school, they’ll relent. – Remember that they love you when you get angry. In their minds they are helping, so always be calm and friendly. They’ll be happy to help, so telling them the best way to help is by clearing off for a bit might just do the trick.
Really, the key to any type of counseling is understanding the needs of the people speaking to you. In the case of parents, every student is different and so is their family dynamic with their parents. By the time kids are seniors in high school, the student has the words to tell their parents when they are being overbearing. In short, I try not to get involved in these conversations because discussing the facts with them usually is all the reality check they need. Most of the time, parents, like students often have their own anxiety about the situation and that is natural. It is most prevalent with the oldest child in the family. They are “old pros” about this process when the younger kids have their time with this process.
Just tell mom and dad to back off because this is your life and YOU will pay for everything yourself. You will be amazed at how willing they are to let you plan your own future and stay out of your hair.
Well this is a very loaded question because it depends of what you consider overbearing. Without understanding the details I would say communication is the only way. You have to talk with your parents about college to ensure that you both understand each others expectations. When each side clearly understands each other expectations can be understood.
Really it is time to stop labeling parents…………..The college search and admission process has become complicated and way too stressful. I believe we should be helpful as possible to answer parents’ questions and provide guidance as requested.
Be sure to acknowledge your parents, their sacrifices, support and direction throughout your life and always show appreciation. You must then expain to them that if your going to be successful in college you can no longer be treated like a high school student. If you can not verbalize this position to them write a letter indicating your feelings. One of the best ways to not alienate your parents is to honor their wishes and be the best student you can. That requires the proper and adequate amount and brand of support. Do your best to communicate this to your parents. This may require you to seek assistance from a trusted family member or friend, who could support your position.
Choosing a college can be the first real big decisions you and your child make together. Managing expectations, finding the right schools and honing in on the proper academic program are no easy tasks—especially when you’re negotiating the deal with an eighteen year old child. Please keep in mind that you and your child are allies in the search not on competing teams. Work together, find out what they are looking for in a college and share with them what is important to you during their college experience, there can be a healthy balance. I would encourage the college dialog to at least begin after your child’s sophomore year. This way they will grow accustomed to hearing the word “college” and believe it or not this will cause them to start thinking about it as well. Set a time-line for your family. Remember that college applications are mostly due by April of their senior year (the prior December if you are interested in early decision). So, work backwards.
A college consultant provides a neutral third party, who can moderate conflict between parents and teens in this intense process. I meet with parents and teen in the beginning to work on the initial college list, and then with just myself and the student as we move into the essay part of the process. In the parent-teen phase, I do a great deal of listening, and offer my expertise to answer questions that both parties have. Often, parents don’t know as much about the college process as they think they do, and having a consultant in the room helps them to back off and become better listeners themselves. I try to help the parents listen to their own teenager, and sometimes they gain a new perspective on the strengths and goals of their own child. I also help the student to see that the college process is not just a form of torture made up by his parents, but is a necessity in ushering in the next phase of his or her life. Sometimes I feel ilike more of a shrink than a college consultant!
Overbearing parents during the college application are referred to as “helicopter parents”. They are often very helpful during the admissions process, as long as they respect your wishes and keep YOUR goals and interests in mind. If your parents are supportive, I would encourage you to use them as a valuable resource; noone knows you as well as your parents. They will give you advice on the pros/cons of the various schools you are considering. However, if your parents are trying to live vicariously through you, focusing on their wants and needs versus yours, I would suggest the following: 1. Have a heart-to-heart explaining (respectfully) that this is your decision and you would like them to support you. 2. If they are not receptive to this, they are still your parents. I would suggest, in order to keep family peace, that you listen to what they have to say, and then go ahead and do what YOU want to do. But at least listen to them. They might have a point or two to offer. If not, listen to them anyways, and keep in mind that they are excited for you. If they want you to apply to a school that you don’t want to attend, I would suggest doing it anyhow, if they are willing to pay the application fee. If the school has an intensive application process, such as Auburn (multiple, lengthy essays), negotiate and apply to a different school they are pushing. For every 3-4 schools of your choice, apply to one of theirs. It can’t hurt.
Unfortunately, overbearing parents are involved during the college process . Much of the time they are grateful and kind, but at the same time some others simply cannot let go of the process.
As a parent, I understand the desire to be involved in the college process. And yes, your parents’ input might be valuable. However, you and your parents need to establish boundaries during the process. You are the one going to college and thus you need to have a big part in determining where you will go. However, hopefully, your parents have some idea of who you are, who you are becoming, and the type of school where you will flourish. If you are the first in your family to go to college, your parents may be “hovering” because college is an unknown and unknowns are often scary. So, what can you do? First of all, try to figure out why they are hovering. Have they asked you to fill out applications and you haven’t? Are you not returning phone calls? Are your grades slipping? Or, is it their pattern to hover? If you can’t figure it out, ask them – what are you scared of? Learning to have a mature conversation with your parents may be the first step toward them starting to let go more. Secondly, become more responsible. If you are exhibiting foolish or immature behavior, your parents may have good reason to be hovering. Offer to take more responsibility at home or complete assignments and tasks in a timely manner. Finally, realize that hovering is often born out of love. If your parents are hanging on, they are showing interest in your future. Soon, you will be at school and perhaps wishing they were around more! So, do what you can to alleviate their concerns, become more responsible in the college process, and relax. The next step is almost here!
All parents just want what’s best for their son or daughter, so we immediately have that in common. Relationships are important, so it’s worth taking the time to establish a positive one with them. When they know that the counselor cares, and they come to trust him or her, the counselor can educate them and speak more frankly about what helps and hurts their child’s chances in the process. Parents want a role in the process, too, so it’s good to spell out specific things they can do to contribute that will help rather than hinder. It’s also good to keep everyone in the loop with regular updates and meetings. Sometimes confrontation is necessary, but working together works better. Honey vs vinegar.
The best way to manage overbearing parents is to take the reigns. Demonstrate that you are managing the process by setting up college visit appointments and logistics yourself, posting a deadline chart of the fridge informing your parents of the plan for meeting deadlines, and thoughtfully listening to your parent’s perspective. While students should drive the process, parents are key stakeholders who deserve a voice. By showing your capability and preparation you will buy their trust (which will help them back off). But, at the same time, managers of any operation know that you can’t risk upsetting a key investor. Identify ways for your parents be part of the process and keep communication lines open.
Always remember that your parents want what is best for you, and that their actions are done with the nest of intentions.
I like to involve the parents in the beginning and try to set limits with regard to their involvement. I like to explain that it is the student who is the applicant and it is of utmost importance for the student to be the one who is most involved in the application process. I would encourage support from the parent for the student.
I would remind the parents that once the students are in college, they will have to be independent and learn how to manage their couresework, dormlife, and eveerything else that college entails on their own. As a senior a student needs to begin to learn how to become independent so tha when they are out on their own at colllege, they can remain a successfull student!
As best you can, but don’t put them in a corner so they’ll refuse to make the college of your choice a reality. Placate them if necessary, but under NO circumstances should they FORCE you to attend any particular college or only colleges on THEIR list. If so, seek out a counselor and have them talk to your parent(s). Your future is at stake, and you surely don’t want them to really screw it (you) up!
Send them to me! Between the academic strain that senior years puts on you, and the emotional strain of ending your time in high school, the last thing you need is to feel smothered. However, your parents are probably feeling just as anxious as you! What you both need are answers and someone to help you get through this highly stressful time. By putting your parents in direct contact with your guidance counselors, teachers and college consultants, you will be involving them in the college admissions process (which is probably what they want) and you won’t be taking all the heat.
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